In his vulnerable memoir “Muddling Through,” Matthew Sitman wrote,
What we share most of all is our vulnerability to cruelty and chance, unexpected ruin or sudden defeat.
We are living in tumultuous times, and no one is a stranger to suffering. Sometimes, knowing how to comfort a loved one can be a tricky road to navigate. It might be difficult in certain circumstances to know what to say or do. Keeping a few basic principles in mind can help guide our actions:
Prioritize your friend’s comfort over your personal curiosity. No one wants to feel like they exist for someone else’s entertainment or amusement. When your friend is exhausted, sick, bereaved, or overcome with emotion, engaging in conversation may feel burdensome. Reserve your questions until your friend feels ready to open up.
Don’t minimize your friend’s suffering, tell them to cheer up, or one-up them with stories of personal tragedy. Avoid comparing your friend’s problems to your own or suggesting that other people have it worse. Try to be sympathetic and responsive to how your friend is feeling. We can never know how other people process and feel pain, and our experiences often change our perception of adversity.
Offer emotional support first, cognitive support second. Be present. Sit with distress without trying to make it better. If your friend is experiencing strong emotions, don’t try to suppress them but gently let your friend know that you’re in their corner. Being attentive is sometimes better than being helpful.
When someone is going through a terrible time, saying “I’m with you” is the only thing that matters. Advice, perspectives, or offers to help are minimally impactful. The notion that someone is with you is 10x more powerful. Be a “darkest hour friend” to those you love.Avoid giving advice and instead approach the situation with humility. Validate your friend’s feelings, and only offer practical feedback if invited to do so.
Be a sounding board, not a loudspeaker. Resist the urge to spring into action. Trying to take control can disempower others and violate their sense of autonomy. If your friend feels stuck, ask them what advice they would offer someone in a similar position. More often than not, this shift in perspective can help unblock people. Aim to facilitate, rather than dominate, the narrative.
The above are general guidelines on how to support a friend who is struggling, but personal characteristics and cultural differences can often impact how attempts to help are perceived. When in doubt, ask your friend how they prefer to be supported.
If you’ve already established a rapport with someone, that simple question can be enough to figure out how to provide more effective support. If you’re trying to help an acquaintance who doesn’t yet feel comfortable sharing their needs with you, simply being present is a great starting point.
Thank you for spending a few moments of your day with me. If you have a suggestion or need a sounding board, my door is always open. My hope is for us to find common ground and communion with one another. Stay curious, be courteous, and don’t forget to be kind to yourself! 💕
That last reminder is huge. ❤️
This is essential and timeless advice; the resources you link here are very helpful!